Author: Fatima

The ‘Cant we just go and visit Table Mountain now?’ Third-Place Playoff.

FT Germany 3 – Uruguay 2

You could forgive both teams for playing this game like a World Cup warm down. After all, it’s really a battle for Third Bestest Loser and besides, no one ever remembers who came third in the World Cup. Who came third in 2006? Exactly.

As if to spite the cynics, it actually turned out to be a cracker. Germany and Uruguay both scored an A+ for effort and played like they were in the actual final.

It was also a real treat to see FCL favourite, Luis Suarez, back in action after his one-match suspension. The African crowd even stopped blowing their vuvuzelas momentarily to boo his every touch, which obviously had a dramatic affect on Suarez as he kept it clean for a whole 70 minutes! Alas, his shot at redemption was extinguished towards the end of the match when he dived four times in 20 minutes. The Latino Dirty Den panto villain was back and may just have secured the FCL crown with that last ditch performance.

Also earning their FCL managers some last valuable cheaty points were Diego Lugano, who ‘did an Henry’ by handballing twice in the same move; Maxi Pereira for rugby tackling Dennis Aogo; and Thomas Muller for clocking up three dives and two injury feigns.

I was hoping this match would go to extra time as the cheating was beginning to really hot up in the last 15 minutes. Then Sami Khedira went and spoiled it all by scoring the winner. Game over.

Now all of you go and do some shark diving in False Bay. I did it and it was wicked, although you do feel a bit sea sick.

Cheat of the Match: Thomas ‘I lick the lid of life’ Muller.

LIVE BLOGGING – The Final….

Sleepy Puppy

AET – Spain 1 – Holland 0

So we’ve made it.  Over 60 matches marked by our statisticians, most of them done at 4am, all done to expose the dirty cheating tactic’s employed by teams so desperate to win that all dignity and fair play goes out the window.

Tonight Spain and the Netherlands meet, with the two cheaty players to watch Robben, and Iniesta going head to head.

We’ll be here marking every yard steal, dive and injury feign while live blogging as we go. Hit refresh for up to the minute updates.

Wahey – it’s the World Cup Final…

1 Min: Ooh and Busquets goes down with what looks like our first injury feign of the match – that was bloody quick!

3 min: They’ve started at an almighty pace – glad we’ve got 4 people marking this match, we’re going to have to be quick to keep up with this.

4 min: Massive dive and injury feign from Ramos, plus a cheeky yard steal from Xabi – so that’s how Spain are gonna play it.

9 min: Not as many replays taking place as usual as everything’s happening AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT

13 min: Credit to Spain, making the Dutch look this pedestrian is no mean feat.

14 min: Capdevilla’s broken his leg.  Medic’s on, oh no sorry he’s just a BIG GIRL.  Injury feign

16 min: Robben – that’s what we’re after.  Goes down with a look of absolute agony on his face after a ‘love tap’ from Puyol.

20 min: Gary just did a mini sex wee after seeing Robben do his ’special’ run down the flank.  Better spell for Holland.

21 min: Howard Webb is earning his fee now – Van Bommel takes out Iniesta from behind (ha that sounds dirty)

24 min: Puyol (2nd ugliest man in football) dives and gets a pat on the back from Van Bommel in recognition of a dive well done.

27 min: Van Bronckhurst walks most of the length of the pitch with the ball in his hand for a yard steal and a half

28 min: What the FUCK was that?  Really De Jong?  Really?  Full on karate kick to the chest of Alonso – who looks genuinely shaken up.  Cheat of the Match (so far) OUCH!

31 min: In the interests of evenly spreading the cheating (thereby making our live tweeting work) Villa kindly obliges with a dive.

36 min: Van Bommel suffers a brain fart whilst right in front of goal and completely misses the ball.

41 min: Brilliant, Sneijder attempts to avoid getting in trouble with Mr Webb by injury feigning his arse off, including limping over for his inevitable dressing down from the Ref.  Quality.

44 min: Dive.  From Webb.

47 min: HALF-TIME 0-0.  Cup of tea, power nap, finger stretch, wipe the sleep out of our eyes, and we’ll be back.

 

0

Hot Playces, Cold Playces

We’re baaaack!  After that little commercial break.  The SBS commentators are fucking muppets by the way.

46 min: Good solid dive from Iniesta.  Noice.

47 min: Van Persie very half-heartedly tapping at Puyol, acheives nowt as Puyol throws his head (and body) at the ball regardless.

48 min: Van Bommel is walking a tightrope here.  Getting away with some dirty play.

53 min: Ramos – he of the excellent headband – dives and gets Van Bronckhurst (sp?) carded.  Naughty naughty.  Commentators don’t agree with us – but we all know the SBS commentators know jack.

55 min: Villa is roling and crying and rolling and crying some more, clearly trying to get someone in trouble.  That’s gross.  Webb didn’t even look to have seen it, but fell for Villa’s theatrics.  Think the commentators may be smoking crack.

57 min: Sneijder goes down like a sack of spuds – odd he’s clutching at his face.  This is getting filthy.

66 min: Capdevilla gets a yellow for a cynical foul.  Anyone know how many yellow’s there’s been so far.  Do we think someone’s gonna get sent off?

…Sorry about that, our server went bang and our live blog died at 60 minutes. Here’s the match report for the rest of the game.

So, the pace that we thought would have subsided, didn’t. Van Bommel continued to lead the charge smashing the fook out of anything in red and teetering on the edge of fair challenge and murder. Xavi and Iniesta, the little buggers, drew fouls left right and centre, and flopped all over the place, causing havoc for the Dutch until the moment we all knew was coming: A Dutch sending off. The cards were out quicker than a…erm…the English WAGS on a shopping spree in Lakeside. And it worked ‘cos Webb fell for it. Heitinga off, Holland down to 10 and stretched like a 10-year-old Russian gymnast.

Robben, oh Robben, you need your own chapter, son. Skipping along that right wing and dancing inside, dragging three defenders in and trying to fit through a gap you wouldn’t even get one of your precious last few hairs through. Well, it worked and always ended in a dive and a face that would make even Puyol’s mum wince. Two chances then went begging for poor old Robben. Perhaps amazingly due to an indecision to dive? Who knows?

Anyway, you know the result. In summary, the pace did not let up and apart from the ‘Utter Filth’ karate kick from De Jong which Alonso reportedly had to plug with eight ‘heavy flow’ tampons, the game stayed littered with what now seem bread and butter dives. Well done to both teams. Furious would be a good word to describe that game.

Cheat of the Match:  Iniesta

Report/Blogging by Candice & Gary

Guest Blog Post: Germany v Spain

As we all watched & marked the match together this morning we thought there was no harm in letting Josh from Shithouse write the match report.  We were wrong.

No need for the psychic octopus now the Germans are out – photo courtesy of avlxyz

Well, what a cracker of an event. Excitement from start to finish, the lead swapping time after time, and filthy cheating the likes of which we’ve never seen. But enough about the Tour de France Stage 4.

I’ll admit I don’t know much about Soccer (or ‘Football’ as the uninitiated insist on calling it) but I’ll give this match report every ounce of my knowledge and experience.

First half:

Pedro passes to Diego who passes to Pablo who passes back to Dali who holds it for a bit and then passes to Don Quixote who kicks it over to Gaudi and the I went to the loo for a while and then came back and Pedro Almodóvar showed great ball control while Wim Wenders and Fritz Willhelm II watched in awe and then I made a cuppa and Gary adjusted the blinds but it was all for nought anyway as all it offered was a better view of fuck all.

Ozil looked particularly shocked at the fact that Spain had so much of the ball for the first half, but then he would wouldn’t he?

I’ve suffered through those insufferable vuvushitsticks for a number of games of this World Cup but the first half of this borefest took the strudel.

2nd Half:

Things started to heat up in the second 45 as the possibility of ejection from this crappy tournament was made real. Iniesta led the way with more dives than an Attenborough whale documentary, followed closely by Khedira who had trouble staying on his feet as soon as anyone entered his 2 metre ‘no touchy special zone’. Capdevilla stole a few yards and Podolski stole my heart with those deep Nordic eyes and a cynical foul that would make a Viking weep.

Still, not a lot of it made sense to me until Puyol executed an exquisite header to make it 1-Nil to the red shirts. From that point on, Iniesta fell over some more (hence his scraping in a Cheater of the Match) and Spain held a master class in beautiful box work without scoring. That’s pretty much how it ended.

So now they’ve got Wimbledon, a spot in the World Cup final and Penelope Cruz. Greedy gits.

Cheat of the Match: Iniesta

Report by Josh

And the winner of the 2010 World Cup Fantasy Cheaters League is…

2010 FCL Winner – Brian, putting the vibe out at Versailles.

All the stats are in and the leaderboard is complete. We can now proudly reveal the winner of the 2010 World Cup Fantasy Cheaters League is Brian Setzer with his dirty team, Stray Cats! We caught up with the cheating champ at home in Moscow, Russia, as he awaited the delivery of his FCL trophy and Skins A400 compression suit.

So, congratulations Brian!

Q: You’re the first ever winner of the Fantasy Cheaters League. How do you feel?

A: I’m pleased:)))

Q: Talk us through the team name first of all. Needless to say, ‘Stray Cats’ didn’t make our Top Team Name blog.

A: http://www.straycats.com/

It’s my favourite music band.

Q: What were your tactics going into the competition and picking your dirty XI for the group stages?

A: I took tough players such as van bommel, mascherano and so on. But my tactic wasn’t good enough because it’s more usefull to take players who like diving

Q: Which players came in during the transfer windows and really made an impact to your team?

A: Robben and Iniesta

Q: What was your favourite cheaty moment of the tournament?

A: Suarez handball in quarter final

Nigel de Jong karate kick in final

Q: How did you make a climb up the leaderboard in the final few games, and be honest, did you check out your opponents’ teams?

A: I don’t check opponents teams. I simply look through stats section and took most cheatiest players.

Q: What advice would you give future FCL managers hoping to replicate your success?

A: Concentrate on players who dive frequently

Q: What do you make of the Ronaldo Castrol ad? You know, the one where he says: “Cheating takes me many playces. Hot playces, cold playces, medieval maces, small faces…”

A: I haven’t seen it

Q: Do you play football yourself? And if so, are you a purveyor of the dark arts?

A: Unfortunately I play football rarely. But when I play I like to cheat very much :) ))

Q: Finally, where are you going to put the 2010 FCL trophy?

A: What trophy?