Guest Blog Post: Germany v Spain

As we all watched & marked the match together this morning we thought there was no harm in letting Josh from Shithouse write the match report.  We were wrong.

No need for the psychic octopus now the Germans are out – photo courtesy of avlxyz

Well, what a cracker of an event. Excitement from start to finish, the lead swapping time after time, and filthy cheating the likes of which we’ve never seen. But enough about the Tour de France Stage 4.

I’ll admit I don’t know much about Soccer (or ‘Football’ as the uninitiated insist on calling it) but I’ll give this match report every ounce of my knowledge and experience.

First half:

Pedro passes to Diego who passes to Pablo who passes back to Dali who holds it for a bit and then passes to Don Quixote who kicks it over to Gaudi and the I went to the loo for a while and then came back and Pedro Almodóvar showed great ball control while Wim Wenders and Fritz Willhelm II watched in awe and then I made a cuppa and Gary adjusted the blinds but it was all for nought anyway as all it offered was a better view of fuck all.

Ozil looked particularly shocked at the fact that Spain had so much of the ball for the first half, but then he would wouldn’t he?

I’ve suffered through those insufferable vuvushitsticks for a number of games of this World Cup but the first half of this borefest took the strudel.

2nd Half:

Things started to heat up in the second 45 as the possibility of ejection from this crappy tournament was made real. Iniesta led the way with more dives than an Attenborough whale documentary, followed closely by Khedira who had trouble staying on his feet as soon as anyone entered his 2 metre ‘no touchy special zone’. Capdevilla stole a few yards and Podolski stole my heart with those deep Nordic eyes and a cynical foul that would make a Viking weep.

Still, not a lot of it made sense to me until Puyol executed an exquisite header to make it 1-Nil to the red shirts. From that point on, Iniesta fell over some more (hence his scraping in a Cheater of the Match) and Spain held a master class in beautiful box work without scoring. That’s pretty much how it ended.

So now they’ve got Wimbledon, a spot in the World Cup final and Penelope Cruz. Greedy gits.

Cheat of the Match: Iniesta

Report by Josh


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