Sleepy Puppy

AET – Spain 1 – Holland 0

So we’ve made it.  Over 60 matches marked by our statisticians, most of them done at 4am, all done to expose the dirty cheating tactic’s employed by teams so desperate to win that all dignity and fair play goes out the window.

Tonight Spain and the Netherlands meet, with the two cheaty players to watch Robben, and Iniesta going head to head.

We’ll be here marking every yard steal, dive and injury feign while live blogging as we go. Hit refresh for up to the minute updates.

Wahey – it’s the World Cup Final…

1 Min: Ooh and Busquets goes down with what looks like our first injury feign of the match – that was bloody quick!

3 min: They’ve started at an almighty pace – glad we’ve got 4 people marking this match, we’re going to have to be quick to keep up with this.

4 min: Massive dive and injury feign from Ramos, plus a cheeky yard steal from Xabi – so that’s how Spain are gonna play it.

9 min: Not as many replays taking place as usual as everything’s happening AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT

13 min: Credit to Spain, making the Dutch look this pedestrian is no mean feat.

14 min: Capdevilla’s broken his leg.  Medic’s on, oh no sorry he’s just a BIG GIRL.  Injury feign

16 min: Robben – that’s what we’re after.  Goes down with a look of absolute agony on his face after a ‘love tap’ from Puyol.

20 min: Gary just did a mini sex wee after seeing Robben do his ’special’ run down the flank.  Better spell for Holland.

21 min: Howard Webb is earning his fee now – Van Bommel takes out Iniesta from behind (ha that sounds dirty)

24 min: Puyol (2nd ugliest man in football) dives and gets a pat on the back from Van Bommel in recognition of a dive well done.

27 min: Van Bronckhurst walks most of the length of the pitch with the ball in his hand for a yard steal and a half

28 min: What the FUCK was that?  Really De Jong?  Really?  Full on karate kick to the chest of Alonso – who looks genuinely shaken up.  Cheat of the Match (so far) OUCH!

31 min: In the interests of evenly spreading the cheating (thereby making our live tweeting work) Villa kindly obliges with a dive.

36 min: Van Bommel suffers a brain fart whilst right in front of goal and completely misses the ball.

41 min: Brilliant, Sneijder attempts to avoid getting in trouble with Mr Webb by injury feigning his arse off, including limping over for his inevitable dressing down from the Ref.  Quality.

44 min: Dive.  From Webb.

47 min: HALF-TIME 0-0.  Cup of tea, power nap, finger stretch, wipe the sleep out of our eyes, and we’ll be back.



Hot Playces, Cold Playces

We’re baaaack!  After that little commercial break.  The SBS commentators are fucking muppets by the way.

46 min: Good solid dive from Iniesta.  Noice.

47 min: Van Persie very half-heartedly tapping at Puyol, acheives nowt as Puyol throws his head (and body) at the ball regardless.

48 min: Van Bommel is walking a tightrope here.  Getting away with some dirty play.

53 min: Ramos – he of the excellent headband – dives and gets Van Bronckhurst (sp?) carded.  Naughty naughty.  Commentators don’t agree with us – but we all know the SBS commentators know jack.

55 min: Villa is roling and crying and rolling and crying some more, clearly trying to get someone in trouble.  That’s gross.  Webb didn’t even look to have seen it, but fell for Villa’s theatrics.  Think the commentators may be smoking crack.

57 min: Sneijder goes down like a sack of spuds – odd he’s clutching at his face.  This is getting filthy.

66 min: Capdevilla gets a yellow for a cynical foul.  Anyone know how many yellow’s there’s been so far.  Do we think someone’s gonna get sent off?

…Sorry about that, our server went bang and our live blog died at 60 minutes. Here’s the match report for the rest of the game.

So, the pace that we thought would have subsided, didn’t. Van Bommel continued to lead the charge smashing the fook out of anything in red and teetering on the edge of fair challenge and murder. Xavi and Iniesta, the little buggers, drew fouls left right and centre, and flopped all over the place, causing havoc for the Dutch until the moment we all knew was coming: A Dutch sending off. The cards were out quicker than a…erm…the English WAGS on a shopping spree in Lakeside. And it worked ‘cos Webb fell for it. Heitinga off, Holland down to 10 and stretched like a 10-year-old Russian gymnast.

Robben, oh Robben, you need your own chapter, son. Skipping along that right wing and dancing inside, dragging three defenders in and trying to fit through a gap you wouldn’t even get one of your precious last few hairs through. Well, it worked and always ended in a dive and a face that would make even Puyol’s mum wince. Two chances then went begging for poor old Robben. Perhaps amazingly due to an indecision to dive? Who knows?

Anyway, you know the result. In summary, the pace did not let up and apart from the ‘Utter Filth’ karate kick from De Jong which Alonso reportedly had to plug with eight ‘heavy flow’ tampons, the game stayed littered with what now seem bread and butter dives. Well done to both teams. Furious would be a good word to describe that game.

Cheat of the Match:  Iniesta

Report/Blogging by Candice & Gary


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